A Case of the Fuck Its

Day 1: Fuck It (Take 3); 2 January 2007
Originally uploaded by Mal Cubed

I was talking to one of my friends who is also in recovery about our missteps recently. The problem is, we are happy and doing really well for a good while, and then all of the sudden we get a "case of the fuck its." Sometimes when we think we can handle it now because we've been doing good, and sometimes when we know we can't handle it, but we don't really fight it. We are just in that mood where you just don't care anymore. You just don't have the energy to be so perfect and sober anymore! Your sick of fighting! Your sick of being sick and of being different than everyone else! I mean, the one thing they teach you in treatment is you can't be perfect, and her I am expected to be perfectly sober! And a case of the fuck its is detrimental to everything... to the work you have to do, to the food you eat, to the things you say. Yeah, a case of the fuck its is my biggest problem. I think it's the biggest problem for everyone... but especially for addicts. I've just got to find a way to combat a case of the fuck its effectively! Hmmmm...

Returning from a bit of a fall

Well, over the past couple of months, I've had a few stumbles. I say it is only a bit of a fall and a few stumbles because I don't think it was a major relapse or anything. I am still no where NEAR where I was before. I am still generally happy, and dealing with life on life's terms, and all that. I want to live! And that was my biggest problem before! I didn't want to live any more. Now I do. Even if I have had a few drinks in the past couple months. I can say this... I have spent way more days sober and way more days happier than I ever was the first half of this year, and well, the past couple of years. And that is still something to be proud of. I learned something from Weight Watchers that I think I can apply here. "This program is not about perfection, it's about persistence." In fact, I think you can apply that to life. I can't be perfectly sober, and even if I was, my life still wouldn't be perfect. But I am going to keep trying to stay away from that bottle, and that is all I can do. Is that so bad? I guess we shall see.

On a more interesting note, I was trying to figure out something on a food label that had to do with Kosher foods. I had no idea there were so many rules about eating in the Jewish religion! I ran across a website talking about the Laws of Judaism Concerning Food in regard to Intoxicating Drinks. It's actually quite amusing to me. Especially the part that says anyone who is really drunk "is not responsible for any vows or actions, including transgressions of the law."

Could AA Perpetuate the Obsession?

Well, it's been a while since I've had anything to write about related to my recovery. Since the gas shortage, I haven't attended AA meetings. I found I was getting a whole hell of a lot more accomplished in my personal life and was not thinking about drinking. So it got me to thinking... the Big Book calls this an "obsession," yet we expected to go to meetings every day to face it and discuss it, and well, doesn't that just perpetuate the obsession? You can't NOT think about it on a daily basis if you are in a meeting on a daily basis. I find myself not thinking about it when I don't go to meetings. It's quite a relief, to be honest! I don't have to think about it now either! Every once in a while the thought comes up to have a drink. Like on a nice day, we used to sit on the patio at the local Mexican restaurant and drink Margaritas. But then I think, I don't need to drink, and plus, I don't really have the money anyway. Thought gone. So, no, it's not an "obsession" for me. Espeically when I don't go to AA. It allows it not to be an obsession. It's very freeing, personally. Then again, maybe I am not really an alcoholic to begin with anyway. Maybe that's why I don't have the "obsession."

just do it.

just do it.
Originally uploaded by the_musical

I don't know why, but every time I feel overwhelmed and vent about my non-cleaning character defects, the following day I some how just do it. Literally. I tell myself to just do it ...even though I'm tired ...even though I don't want to ...even though my back hurts. And it gets done. Now of course, I wanted to get a million more things done in one evening... because my ego still thinks I have the ability to be superwoman ... but I sure as hell tackled a number of things I had been putting off. Plus, I got to relax afterward. What a nice reward. So thanks to my friends who commented on the last post... it's nice to know I'm not alone!!!

There are not enough hours in the day

Ok, I've gotta vent today. I am so frustrated this Monday morning! First of all, I am just not a morning person (and it is Monday, to boot!), but secondly, I just can't seem to find the time to do everything I need and want to get done! I know, I know... I am not alone in this crisis. I am more irritated with myself than anyone or anything else. I know I cannot be perfect, but I have a serious problem with procrastination, and it must be cured! Don't get me wrong, I am not sitting on the couch eating bon bons and watching soaps. I get some things done, but I put off cleaning to the point where it gets disgusting! Now I know on an intellectual level that if I keep up with it, cleaning and putting things away as I go, it doesn't turn into a huge disgusting mess. However, I still choose to ignore it, and it eventually becomes a huge overwhelming (and disgusting) task! Why am I so messy? It's embarrassing! Now this I find to be an illness! Maybe I have an allergy to cleaning! So, I guess this is the next life hurdle I need to tackle... How not to procrastinate on things I don't want to do. I've got to break this nasty habit! Any suggestions?

Rehab for Texters?

texting driving
Originally uploaded by castortroy520

It's official! There is something worse than drinking and driving... texting and driving! (according to a study in the UK) Apparently there are a large number of people who cannot put their phone down long enough to drive to there next destination. Remember when we didn't even have phones in our cars? It is possible to comfortably travel by automobile without contacting a single soul! So what do we do with those addicted to texting? Is there a treatment center or maybe Texters Anonymous? Maybe it's time to start MATD... Mothers Against Texting and Driving. Put the phone down people! Is that text message really worth risking your life?

"Cheese and Crackers"

There it is... the latest saying I have got to pick up!... "Cheese and Crackers" ... instead of saying "Geez." Ingenius! Actually, I find it totally amusing because it's just so cheesy... no pun intended! And lord knows I love me some cheese (Seriously, I love to eat cheese.) But I've gotta give them man a break who I heard say it. He's one of the latest alcoholics forced into recovery on A&E's show, Intervention last night. He and his wife were a good church-goin' couple who had to be interventioned by their children. He had to have said "Cheese and Crackers" at least 3 or 4 times in the whole 1 hour episode. So spread the word... "Cheese and Crackers" is the new "Geez!" Ohh, and if you can handle it, watch Intervention. I say, "if you can handle it" because it will either send you back to the bottle or it will help remind you of where you used to be and how delusional you were. Cheese and crackers, it makes me grateful for where I am now.


Get Intervention Season 1: Then & Now on DVD

Being Social in a Drinker's World

The clash #15
Originally uploaded by stewartbremner

Last night I attended my first social event in which there would be people drinking, since I have been sober. I actually did not think I would have any problem being around alcohol or those that were drinking it. I decided to do the right thing and bring a sober friend, the lovely and talented T-Bone (my bitch for life!). I probably would have invited him anyway, since he is one of my most highly entertaining friend! I got a little nervous before I went with the realization that this was my first event being "official sober." That's my crazy egoic mind talking to me there. I quickly turned that around with a little self-talk. As I had suspected, I had no problem with not drinking, and in fact there was another guest drinking water as well. Everyone else had 3 drinks or less. Of course, we were watching the Presidential Debate, so I didn't exactly expect the event to be an all-out drunk-fest! T-Bone and I did run into two questions we did not prepare an answer for. Question number one was, "how did you guys meet?" Truth be told, T-bone and I met in treatment! Not something to share with the masses! It's our own damn business. Normally I would have freaked out at trying to find an answer, but I spit out that we met through friends. (The friends being the staff at the treatment hospital! he he) Later on that evening, our host asked, "Are you guys just not big drinkers?" I was actually surprised she asked this since I was certain she had seen me flat-out wasted sometime in the past two years, but in fact, I thought out it, and she has only seen me a few times in which I wasn't three sheets to the wind.(One more reason to question whether I am a true "alcoholic" or just had a temporary self-medicating drinking problem... but I digress.) Again, with no answer really prepared, I just said we were both trying to be healthy because we were getting too old to be drinking all the time. Not too far from the truth! (Too bad I cam home and managed to scarf down half of the bag of chips I forgot to bring to the soiree!) All that being said, it was a successful and fun evening, and I feel like I like I worked the principles discussed in Chapter 7, Working With Others, on pages 100-102 of the Big Book:

"People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so."
...
"In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever."
...
"So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary [whoopee] parties."
...
"Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, 'Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place? Or am I expecting to steal a little vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere of such places?' If you answer these questions satisfactorily, you need have no apprehension. Go or stay away, whichever seems best. But be sure you are on solid [spiritual] ground before you start and that your motive in going in thoroughly good. Do not think of what you can bring to it. But if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead!"

Cheers! **hear the clink of my glass of water**

More Thoughts on me and AA (Part 2) – My Response to Parker’s Comments

Original comments posted in response to my post, More Thoughts on me and AA:

SEPTEMBER 24, 2008 1:44 PM Parker L. said...
I appreciate you checking my art out, thanks. I am deeply, deeply troubled by this post. Our slip-ups start 6 months to a year before we actually pick. You are very defensive about why "you" can do this without the program. You are customizing the program to your wants and needs, it doesnt work that way. Have you discussed all of this with your sponsor? It seems you are taking your will back and worrying about life past today. Danger.

SEPTEMBER 24, 2008 1:53 PM Parker L. said...
I just finished reading your post. You know nothing about this disease and how to arrest it after 90 days dry. There is so much wrong with this attitude that I cant began to list it all. Your seat at the table will always be there for you when you leave. I just hope you dont die or kill someone else until you get back. I will be surprised if you post any negative comments but I know you will be receiving them. If you started this kind of talk in a meeting where there was any amount of sobriety you would be laughed out of the place but in the blog world you can say anything you want. Just remember dont ever say or do anything in a meeting or in a blog that you wouldnt want to read if you were at rock bottom and at your first meeting. It sounds to me like you are still in the debating society and really not ready to quit yet.


My response to these comments:

I thank you for being honest about how you feel and what you believe. I am sincerely thrilled that the AA program has been so successful in managing your drinking problem and bringing you a joyous life! Thank you for allowing me ponder my beliefs. I believe questioning them and listening to other opinions is healthy and can inspire people to change or strengthen their beliefs. I think that is ideal. Let me further address my thoughts in response to your comments:


“I appreciate you checking my art out, thanks.”

MY RESPONSE: No problem! I think the creative arts are a fabulous way to express one’s self! It makes me especially happy to see people who are successful at managing their drinking problem and are living a fulfilling life!


“Our slip-ups start 6 months to a year before we actually pick [up].”

MY RESPONSE: Yes, I believe this is true for the vast majority of people with a drinking problem who are attempting to stay sober. It may very well happen to me, but I choose not worry about anything beyond today. I have learned, in large part from AA, that I, nor anyone else, have any idea what is in store for me, and none of us have control over what ultimately happens in the world. However, I do believe that my actions play a roll in what happens. Otherwise, why would I do anything? I would just sit around and wait for money to come to me, health to come to me, happiness to come to me, and everything to come to me, without lifting a finger! And as I said in my post, I do not believe that there is one answer to anything in life, so that would include how and why slip-ups happen. No human is exactly the same as any other. What works for one does not always work for another. Much of the time, sure, but not always. So I choose not to drink today, and I choose to do what is working for me so far. If I do slip-up, I am only human, and I make mistakes. As I recall, in chapter 5, How It Works, on page 60 of the Big Book, it states “No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints.” I believe we are to learn from our mistakes. Maybe I will have to make that mistake to be successful, maybe I won’t. Either way, I choose to stay positive and believe I will find a way to manage my drinking problem and my happiness successfully. There could actually be multiple ways for me to successfully do that, but I only need one. I choose to do what I think will work for me and change that opinion if I find it does not work.


"You are very defensive about why 'you' can do this without the program."

MY RESPONSE: I am, in fact, defending my point, so I guess that is, by definition, being defensive. From what I observe, you are defending your point as well. I think it is quite acceptable for one to defend their opinion. And I guess that means I am being defensive again by posting this response. So be it. It’s just another label.

I did not say I wasn’t doing it without the AA program at all (at least right now). I still go to meetings when I can, I still speak at meetings when I feel so inclined, I still have a sponsor I stay in contact with to the best of my ability, I still read the Big Book, and I still work the steps to the best of my ability because I believe it contributes to a better way of living in general.

There are also actually people in the world who have managed to successfully control or discontinue their drinking without AA, while leading a fulfilling life. They just don’t tend to report back to AA to let everyone know. I personally know one such person very well. He is my father. He leads a fulfilling life and has successfully managed an out of control drinking problem since the age of 20. Has he done it perfectly? No. As I constantly hear in meetings, there are many avid AA’ers that have had slip-ups, often more than once. And again, the Big Book itself does say, “No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints.” Moreover, in the last couple of years my father now has a glass of wine every now and then with dinner. Is he on that “slippery slope?” Maybe. None of us can truly answer that. But so far, he still leads a fulfilling life and has had no desire to drink more than 2 glasses of wine at any given time. And still, most of the time, he doesn’t drink at all. There are others who follow this way of life as well. It's called Moderation Management. There are also alternatives to AA, such as Secular Organizations for Sobriety (S.O.S.), LifeRing Secular Recovery, Women for Sobriety, SMART Recovery, and Rational Recovery, as well as a number of books on alternative solutions to problem drinking. I doubt anyone in these programs reports back to AA about their successes either. And again, I don’t believe that there is one answer for everything, and I don’t believe everyone is exactly the same. I bet you could even use a combination of programs and resources to be successful too.

I do think “I” can do this. Who else is going to do it? And again, I believe that people’s actions play a roll in what happens in life. I am only assuming the quotes you put around “you” means that someone else is supposed to do it, and I am only assuming it is the God of my understanding. It is not clear to me what you mean by those quotes.


“You are customizing the program to your wants and needs, it doesnt work that way.”

MY RESPONSE: I believe that customizing the program does not work for a majority of people who suffer from a drinking problem and are attempting to stay sober through AA, but not everyone. And again, I don’t believe there is one answer for everything and everyone is different. Furthermore, I often hear people in AA say, “the answer is in the book,” and in Chapter 11, A Vision For You, on page 164 of the Big Book, it states that “our book is meant to be suggestive only.” I also have not read anything about a sponsor or the fellowship in the Big Book so far. In fact, a speaker at a recent meeting said the same thing, and he said he was a “Big Book Thumper” who believes you must work the 12 steps. This indicates to me that there are varying opinions amongst avid AA members about how to use the program effectively and there is no rule about how it works. Each person only truly knows how it works for them.


"Have you discussed all of this with your sponsor?"

MY RESPONSE: Yes, I discuss all my feelings with my sponsor (as well as with a trained professional, my therapist). (I thought her job was to guide me, not to rule over me as an AA dictator.) I do not hide my thoughts, as I feel it would only do me a disservice to do so. I do not believe my sponsor thinks AA is the only way. She says she only knows that it works for her. She told me only I can determine what works for me and whether or not I am ready to quit drinking entirely. It is not up to people to make other people change or do what they believe will work. It is impossible actually because of this little thing called “free will.” And free will is what makes us human. If I had a sponsor tell me that there was no way I could ever live a happy life and successfully manage my drinking without following the program as perfectly as I am able, I would fire her. That is not realistic because again, we are not in control here. And once again, I do not believe that there is one answer to anything in life and all humans are different.


“It seems you are taking your will back and worrying about life past today.”

MY RESPONSE: I don’t think I ever gave my “will” up entirely, and I don’t really believe that anyone does. Beacuase, again, I do believe that actions play a roll in what happens in life, by making choices, while don’t have control of the outcome. So I have a part in recovery. Humans make a ton of choices on a daily basis. I choose not to pick up. A God of my understanding, nor anyone else, can physically pull my hand away from that bottle long enough, if I really wanted to drink, but I don't want to. Now, I am certainly not using straight will power to successfully manage my drinking problem and live a fulfilling life, but I bet some people do. I work at my recovery in many ways that I have mentioned before, so I won’t list them again.

I consciously try not to worry about life on a day to day basis, but I am not perfect. (And as noted earlier, the Big Book implies that neither is anyone in AA.) I do know that today, I haven’t had a drink. Today, I’ve been happy because I have learned to turn my thoughts around when I start to think negatively. Today, I am proud of myself for posting my opinion, even though not everyone agrees with it (because that is something I would never have done in my past). I make my best effort to do everything one day at a time.


“You know nothing about this disease and how to arrest it after 90 days dry.”

MY RESPONSE: I know about my experience with problem drinking and others in my life who suffer with or successfully control it. This qualifies me as knowing something, not nothing. And keep in mind, I did not claim to know everything either. I don’t know nearly as much as the vast majority of people who have abstained from alcohol for longer than I, nor those who are professionally trained to deal with such problems. But they too are only human and do not know everything. In chapter 11, A Vision For You, on page 164 in the Big Book, it does say, “we realize we know only a little.”

I also never claimed to know how to arrest a problem with drinking. I only wrote about how I am attempting to conquer my drinking problem and live a fulfilling life. And I have actually been sober 101 days, and I am very proud of it and the 4 chips from AA that I keep next to my bed.


“There is so much wrong with this attitude that I cant began to list it all.”

MY RESPONSE: It’s hard for me to hear that my attitude is “wrong,” so it hurt a little, but I can deal with it these days because I have the tools to do so, which I learned in treatment, therapy, and AA. So for my response… “Who died and made you God?” (…of your understanding, of course). I have the right to my opinion just as much as you have a right to yours. No one has the right to tell any other person they are wrong, as none of us are in control and none of us are “God.”


“Your seat at the table will always be there for you when you leave.”

MY RESPONSE: Thank you. This I know, and I am so grateful! (But I also haven’t really left, and no one knows if I will, including myself.)


“I just hope you dont die or kill someone else until you get back.”

MY RESPONSE: I hope so too! But again, may I remind you, I haven’t really left, and I haven’t “gone back out” and started drinking again, nor do I want to start drinking again.

Furthermore, I can die or kill someone else whether or not I am in AA, recovery, sobriety, etc. Perhaps I am supposed to die? Perhaps I am supposed to kill someone? Maybe that is just in my life plan? I am not convinced there is some “life plan” out there for me though, and I choose to stay positive and believe that I will live as long as I have a quality of life and I won’t kill anyone. The point is, I, nor anyone else, have control over what happens (whether or not I drink), only the actions we take, and I choose not to drink today.


"I will be surprised if you post any negative comments but I know you will be receiving them."

MY RESPONSE: I suppose some people wouldn't approve a negative comment on their blog, but I am not here to ban anyone's opinion. I am a believer in the freedom of speech. To be honest, I did get my typical physical reaction (my face and chest gets flushed and really hot), which happens when I get nervous, or there is conflict, or I think someone doesn’t like me. I know intellectually that there is no reason to be nervous, that conflicting opinions are actually normal and often healthy, and that if someone doesn’t like me, it doesn’t matter anyway! However, my body seems to still be on auto-play, and I hate it!

So, intellectually, I don't consider your comments negative because it's only your opinion. The only “negative” thing about them is the anger I feel when I read them, but perhaps I am incorrect about that. I welcome others opinions, even if they are not in line with mine. (Even if it makes me all flushed and hot!) That is the beauty of this world. If we all had the same opinion, it would be quite boring (...in my opinion, anyway!)

I am only writing this blog to express what I think and how I feel, in hopes that it will help me and maybe someone else. Ultimately, I do not know what will work for me or anybody else, and nobody else knows for sure what will work for me. Again, because none of us are in control!

I have received comments of varying opinions. (How do you know for sure that I will be receiving negative comments? I wish I could predict the future.) Many comments were supportive even if they did not agree with me. As I said, the only thing that appeared truly negative about your comments was the angry tone in which I read them, as if I had personally hurt you by expressing my feelings and opinions about how I was attempting to control my drinking problem and be happy. Which led me to think, maybe there are some people in AA, who feel strongly about the program, that need to have the opinion that AA is the only way in order for it to work for them? I, of course, don’t know that for sure, but the thought did cross my mind.


“If you started this kind of talk in a meeting where there was any amount of sobriety you would be laughed out of the place but in the blog world you can say anything you want.”

MY RESPONSE: I may very well be laughed out of a meeting if I spoke about this. But a meeting like that would be no meeting I would want to be at, and I would gladly leave. It certainly wouldn’t be as welcoming as AA claims to be. Laughing at someone expressing how they truly feel would certainly be a detriment to the principle behind the 1st step (which is Honesty, for those of you who may be reading and are unfamiliar). I think it would also be a detriment to the 3rd tradition that “the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking.”

And you are correct. You can say anything you want in a blog. Isn’t that the point? And again, I do believe in freedom of speech.


“Just remember dont ever say or do anything in a meeting or in a blog that you wouldnt want to read if you were at rock bottom and at your first meeting.”

MY RESPONSE: This is news to me. Where can I find this rule? You are also assuming I wouldn’t say any of this in a meeting. I’ve been at a so-called “rock bottom” and at my first meeting, but I was in a different place and could not think clearly enough to even come to these conclusions. But if I truly felt that way, and wanted to share this, I would. As far as I know, there is also no requirement one has to share every feeling or thought they have in an AA meeting. It can be beneficial, and it is suggested that you share in meetings as part of working the steps, but I have never been notified that sharing all my feelings and thoughts at meetings is required.


"It sounds to me like you are still in the debating society and really not ready to quit yet."

MY RESPONSE: I do in fact debate many things in society. Many people do. I am really debating my own personal problems, and no one else’s problems. Also, I did admit in my post that I could be wrong and that maybe I am not ready to quit or to possibly accept AA. But as I have said, I have no control over what happens (and no one else does either); only the actions I take, and I choose not to drink.

More Thoughts on me and AA

I’ve decided to cut back my AA meeting attendance to Mondays, Wednesday and Fridays. Partly because I really need to get some exercise back into my life (even though I hate it! uhhhgg!). When I don't get home until after 7pm from being at work all day and attending a meeting, I am beat and usually starving, so exercise is never in the plans! To be honest, I don’t think I ever went 7 days a week, and things have been going great. I went 6-7 times a week when I was in treatment, but after 30 days, I was getting annoyed by hearing the same thing every day! That's the other reason I cut back my attendance.

I just don't see me as a "lifer" in the program, especially since I still question the severity of my problem. (Oh yeah, there is the whole "God" thing!) Maybe I am fooling myself… maybe I am not ready yet, but I have to trust myself in some way, and I know that ultimately I am not the one in control here! I honestly don't have the "desperation" that I hear so many people in AA talk about. I went into treatment because I had to for my health, but not because I really wanted to quit. I came to AA because I had to in treatment, not because I wanted to. Luckily I was able to get something out of it!

Don’t get me wrong, I don't intend to “go back out.” I really have committed to staying sober for at least a year, and especially if I am still on medication for depression and if I still have high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Even so, I take everything day by day. I really can’t tell you what I am going to do tomorrow. (When ever I used to worry about something in the future, my dad would always say, “I wish I could predict the future!”) But today, this is what I think and how I feel. And since I am trying to lose weight and get healthier, alcohol really does not help that at all! So, it's not that I am going to start drinking again, but that so far, I haven't really "needed" AA to stay sober. Thus far, staying sober has really been easy for me. I don't believe there is one answer for everything...no one-size-fits-all solution. Therefore, I don't believe that doing AA full force (“working the program” as they say, or being a "Big Book Thumper") is the only way, as some do believe. I am thrilled that it works for many people, but it does not work for all.

From my observation, a lot of people who become alcoholics have nothing better to do with there time. I often hear people in meetings say, I don't know what to do with all my free time! For me, I don't have enough free time to get everything done I want to do! Even when I was drinking almost every day, I was always doing something while I was drinking (of course, until I drank too much and couldn't do it anymore). I would do art projects, work on computer stuff, clean, etc. I am so thrilled to at least be able to get more stuff done these days!!!

I have discussed my thoughts about being an “alcoholic” or not with my therapist and my therapist before that. They both understand my questioning, and they both believe as I do, there is no one answer. We all also don't think that "labeling" people is necessarily healthy either. They both also don't promote me going out and trying to drink again either!

As far as happiness and peace goes, I think I am there. At least it feels like it, and that is all I can go by! From my therapists, the treatment program, and even AA, I have finally gotten it through my thick skull that I am not in control... that what I think isn't necessarily the truth, and when I think all "black and white" or "awfulize" my problems, it does me no good! Now I talk back to myself (the mean, crazy voice in my head!) and talk myself out of being overly upset about everything. I've only got control over my actions and what comes out of my mouth, and even then, I often screw that up! The difference is, I've finally truly accepted the fact that I am not perfect, nor can I become perfect, and it is okay to screw up!

I here that term "dry drunk" all the time, but contrary to popular belief, just because you are not strictly working AA (again, “working the program”), doesn't mean you're a dry drunk in my mind. A dry drunk is defined as someone who is sober but not in "recovery." I am in my own recovery. I see a therapist, I work on myself every day, I read self help books, I journal, I attend some AA meetings, I read the Big Book and other books about alcoholism, I am working on getting healthy with diet and exercise, I don't constantly isolate myself, I raise money for cause that are close to my friends and family, and I talk to my sponsor, my therapist, my friends, and my parents when I get angry with things...even if it is only about gas shortages! (he he) (see previous post, Immaculate Combustion) And anyway, people make the term dry drunk out to be so horrible, but isn’t that better than being just a drunk-ass drunk?!?

Anyway, I am not preaching to anyone, nor am I trying to persuade the world to my way of thinking. (That is just selfish and delusional!) I am just sharing how I feel. That’s part of recovery. Expressing your feelings and thoughts (being honest), accepting yourself (your opinions are allowed!), and not expecting the world to agree with you (not setting unreasonable expectations).


UPDATE (September 25, 2008):

1) I don't know why I decided to pick specific days to attend AA. I am going to go when I can go with all intention of making at least 3 meetings a week... for now anyway.

2) I will be posting responses to some of the comments here on separate posts, listed below:

More Thoughts on me and AA (Part 2) – My Response to Parker’s Comments